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- Book Review - How to Know a Person by David Brooks
Dedicated to the ideals that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. embodied . . .
My brother-in-law Chan Reis gave me a book for Christmas. It’s called “How to Know A Person, The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen” by David Brooks. Having read several of Brooks’ books, including The Road to Character and The Second Mountain, I was eager to read it.
The inside jacket cover intro reads: David Brooks, in his latest work, How to Know a Person, observes that “There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen - to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard and understood.”
It’s clear to me that in our society, so many people don’t feel understood, valued or heard. It is the root of loneliness, anger and bitterness and manifests itself in obvious ways from road rage to political division to mass shootings. In small ways too, it shows up as these little lost opportunities for connection and happiness.
In my experience as a player and coach, I can vividly recall moments where a team felt bonded and united, and others when the team felt disconnected and fractured. In the case of the former, players would feel known and valued by the coach. Known for who they were as people, and valued for their dedication and effort regardless of their skill level. In the latter, players would feel unknown to the coach, seen only as a means to an end, a cog in the machine so to speak, who’s value is derived only from their ability to help the team win. If you’ve read my previous posts, you know how important team culture is to me.
In my training as a mindfulness and meditation teacher, one of the core concepts is that there are “two wings” of the bird: mindfulness - essentially, the art of paying close attention, and loving kindness, which noted author and spiritual leader Sharon Salzberg describes this way:
I think back to when I published my first book, Lovingkindness, in 1995. I remember feeling a deep sense of worry that people would misjudge the book as being “sweet” or “sentimental,” because those are definitely qualities we associate with words like “loving” and “kindness.” But in reality, the practice of loving-kindness is about cultivating love as a strength, a muscle, a tool that challenges our tendency to see people (including ourselves) as disconnected, statically and rigidly isolated from one another.
Another great spiritual leader, Tara Brach, puts it this way: “When the two wings of Radical Acceptance, mindfulness and compassion are present, our relationships with others become a sacred vessel for spiritual freedom.”
Though Brooks’ book touches on elements of spirituality, his skillful and well researched writing, laden with useful anecdotes, offers the reader some practical guidelines for how to learn to “know a person.”
Here are a few takeaways that I’d like to share with you:
When it comes to knowing others, people can fall into 2 categories: “Diminishers” and “Illuminators.”
Diminishers are quick to size people up, to connect dots in their own minds about who somebody is, what they may stand for, based only on appearance or quick observation. Brooks suggests the #1 reason people are Diminishers is that they are self-centered. As he says, “I can’t see you because I’m all about myself.”
I find this quite interesting because in mindfulness and meditation practice, (particularly the idea of “non-dual”), we learn to challenge the construct of the egoic self. In my experience, in times when one can feel truly selfless, we can experience a profound sense of connection to everything. If you’ve ever felt utterly and peacefully lost while stargazing, or at one with the ocean and sea creatures while scuba diving, or at one with the mountain while skiing, you know what I mean.
Illuminators on the other hand, “see people in all their fullness.” Illuminators have cultivated an orientation to the world where they expect to see beauty and wonder, as such the people they encounter feel more beautiful and wonderful. This is in stark contrast to those who see the world as dangerous - they will be more likely to see others as threatening.
While reading Brooks’ description of the Illuminator, I was struck by the importance of the need to be able to sustain quality of attention on someone. I have to admit, this is a skill I have struggled with at times, but one that I am determined to improve. Meditation is a practice to cultivate attention.
Other qualities of Illuminators, as described by Brooks are: Tenderness, Receptivity, Active Curiosity, Affection, Generosity and a Holistic Attitude. In this passage (which got the rare underline and asterisk from me,) Brooks says
“Every epistemology becomes an ethic,” the educator Parker J. Palmer observed.”The shape of our knowledge becomes the shape of our living: the relation of the knower to the known becomes the relation of the living self to the larger world.” Palmer is saying that the way we attend to others determines the kind of person we become. If we see people generously, we will become generous, or if we view them coldly, we will become cold. Palmers’s observation is essential because he is pointing to a modern answer to an ancient question: How do I become a better person?
As a coach, I learned to envision - literally see in my mind’s eye - my team playing lacrosse perfectly. I then tried to “reverse engineer” - using every moment of practice time - ways to move toward that vision of perfection. I encourage you in your life to imagine for yourself a way of relating to others that seems perfect to you. What would that really look like? Then create a set of practices (our lives are our practice time) to move yourself closer toward that ideal.
I have been fortunate in my life to have befriended some really amazing people. My dad taught me by example the art and importance of keeping friends close. He was very good at that. My motivation these days is how to get better at knowing others well, at how to really see another person.
I am reminded of another reference in this book to a passage on Friendship by the author and Poet David Whyte, from his book Consolations: Brooks quotes Whyte’s richly elegant essay, one which I first heard while traveling north in Arizona with my old pal Dan Garrett several years ago. I’d suggested we take his RV from Tucson to Big Sky via Salt Lake City, ostensibly to visit my children. Dan, as selfless a friend as there is, sensing my deep desire to see my kids, was all in, so we pointed his RV north. In so doing, Dan saw me.
Friendship is not improvement, neither of the other nor of the self, the ultimate touchstone of friendship is witness, the privilege of having been seen by someone and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of one another, to have walked with them and to have believed in them, sometimes just to have accompanied them for however brief a span, on a journey impossible to accomplish alone.”
My aim is to develop a set of practices that I can share with you. Practices rooted in mindfulness that help you to cultivate connection, to cultivate a deep knowing of another, and by doing so, to increase your happiness. I’ll be writing more about these practices soon. Please stay tuned.
I cherish your feedback and commentary and will reply to any messages I receive. Just hit reply via email!
Yours in Practice,
Pete
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