Last week, I led a college team I work with in a gratitude exercise. This is something I typically do early in the season when the group is forming and is part of how I approach mindfulness/mindset training for athletic teams.

When you’re working with 50 male college athletes, the idea of expressing gratitude can seem like a shaky proposition. After all, many of us guys are brought up to be “strong,” as in being physically tough and emotionally closed off. For these young men, it wasn’t lost on me that the idea of expressing gratitude could be seen as being “soft.”

Yet there is strength in the “softness.” And exploring uncharted territory leads to new discoveries. It’s a good way to get them to consider something more than the playbook, or the next opponent. It’s part of a much bigger picture that I can help them see.

The exercise is simple. I break the team into 4 groups of 12 or so. Each group member has a piece of paper that says:

Player Name:

Sending Gratitude To:

A few words about why you are grateful you have this person as a team mate/what you admire about them:

The first things I notice is that they focus in and begin to think deeply. They often gaze upward for inspiration (and courage). This is different. It’s as if they’ve been asked to grab their shovel, dig for some gold, and give it to someone else. They always seem happy to do this - as if they have finally been asked. When I move around between groups, it’s quiet and contemplative. It’s the opposite atmosphere of an action packed contact sport environment these guys are used to.

After a few minutes, I instruct them to slide their papers face down, to the player they wrote about. They seem 10 years old now. As they go around the circle, each reads what was written about him. Eyes water, voices crack, and emotion wells as each player shares publicly a heartfelt expression written just to him. It’s a courageous exercise. Thankfully, these guys understand that insight is on the other side of discomfort.

I’ll never forget what happened next. After the groups had finished, and as we were exhaling before the next part of the training session, someone started a slow clap. Immediately others joined in, and as I looked around the room, I witnessed 50 smiling young men clapping enthusiastically as if they were gathered up postgame after a big win. To call the feeling palpable is an understatement.

We then debriefed. I simply asked them what they felt, and if they wanted to share anything. Again, sharing like this in the presence of 50 team mates doesn’t come naturally. One player mentioned how nice it felt to be appreciated by a team mate and that he didn’t usually think that kindly about himself. Another player nailed it when he said there was a “warm feeling” that he felt welling up inside him as he gave, received, and witnessed what went on. Van Morrison wrote a song about this transcendent feeling, though in a different context. Same feeling though.

It is the cultivation of this “warm feeling” that I am after when I lead this exercise. It is the feeling of “I appreciate you, and I am appreciated.” It’s a feeling that certainly bonds a team. I asked the players to try to stay in that feeling for a while, to allow the residue to become a part of them, to become a little more of their regular state of being. I explained to them that if they can linger in that state of the warm feeling, then they will become just a little more like that. And if they can develop a practice; a way of being that includes expressing gratitude and producing that warm feeling, well then they’re really on to something.

If being grateful feels so good, and if it’s not so hard to do, then why do we struggle with it at times? In our human existence - as teammates, friends, work colleagues, neighbors, partners/spouses, parents, why is it so difficult sometimes? And why, if we know it can be so beneficial - why wouldn’t we do it more?

And by the way like the best things in life, it’s free.

These are questions worth considering. Sometimes I think the “small sense of self” overpowers the deeper feeling of being interconnected, of understanding the vastness of our experience, and of knowing that our success and happiness is always the result of our relationships with others. If you doubt this, notice how much easier it is to recall the people in your life who have gone out of their way to care about you, vs. people who are famous, noteworthy, extremely wealthy etc. Who do you remember?

Expressing gratitude is evidence that you care. It’s how we feel truly “seen.” And it sure feels good to be seen. When someone tells us what they appreciate about us, we know they are paying attention to us.

Every great team is built on a foundation of selflessness. So is every great person. Gratitude is a way of putting selflessness into action in the same way that compassion is the activation of empathy.

If you can’t say it, can you write a note, email or text? How about a letter? (It’s still possible to write letters.) These modern times allow us any number of ways to be less than personal in our expressions of love and gratitude. Or maybe you can just say it.

In my work with coaches, I try to help them broaden their scope of coaching to go beyond the drills, skills and conditioning work. I ask them to bring in the practice of gratitude and compassion and to teach these things to their players. In that way we can shape young people who are physically tough and resilient but also emotionally flexible and responsive to the needs of others. This to me is the essence of coaching.

I have a challenge for you as a way of pushing you into your own practice. Because if you just read this and feel a little better for a few seconds, it’s a waste. It would be just another piece of fleeting inspiration and I’m more into helping you make this a personal practice than in making you feel good for a minute.

So I ask you to share gratitude with someone - or a few people. Use my template if you want: In a few words tell this person why you are grateful you have them as a team mate in this life, and what you admire about them. It will make their day. It will make yours too.

My daughter called me on Valentine’s Day to wish me well. When I asked her what she was up to she said she’d been writing Valentine’s Day cards to her friends.

Thanks for Reading!

The Practice is a labor of love - literally. It is free of ads and paywalls, and always will be. I write for you.

If you enjoy reading it, consider making a one time or recurring donation via my secure business PayPal here to support my work.

Old School? Don’t like online transactions? Consider sending a donation to me at my address - 306 Front St., Marion MA 02738.

Know someone who might like to read my newsletter? Please forward this to them and ask them to sign up.

Thank you!